In and Out Bill Fried

<Two Couples>

(INT: TWO PRIVATE, ADJOINING

HOTEL ROOMS)

(YOUNG COUPLE ENTERS THEIR

ROOM WITH ONE SMALL BAG

APIECE. THEY LOOK AT THE BED,

AT EACH OTHER, AND GIGGLE)

(HE GESTURES GRANDLY TO AN

IMAGINARY BELLBOY)

MALE

There you are, my good man. Keep the change!

(SHE LAUGHS APPRECIATIVELY)

FEMALE

Did you get a load of that creep at the front desk? (SHIVERS) He looked right through me. Yuck!

(THEY SHARE A LAUGH

AT HIS EXPENSE)

(HE SPIES SOMETHING)

MALE

Check this out! An opener!

(SHE APPEARS DELIGHTED

AND AWED)

(MORE)

In and Out p. 2

MALE (CONT'D)

And, mints! Ah, yes,

sweets for the sweetie

in the suite!

(HE ROMANTICALLY FEEDS

HER ONE, TOM JONES STYLE)

FEMALE (REFERRING TO THE MINTS)

Well, those are new.

MALE (PUZZLED)

New?

FEMALE (OFF GUARD)

I mean, different. New. Different. It's all the same.

MALE (SHRUGS)

There's so much to learn about each other. I can't wait!

FEMALE

I guess it was smart to do this before tying the knot.

MALE

It's our pre-nup!

(MORE)

In and Out p. 3

FEMALE (POINTEDLY)

Our only pre-nup!

(NERVOUS PAUSE)

MALE (TENTATIVELY)

Uh, well?

FEMALE

Why not?

(SHE POPS TAPE INTO CASSETTE

AS THEY START TO DISROBE)

(SFX: RAP SONG: "ALL I WANTA DO

IS PUT THE BOOM BOOM BOOM

IN THE ZOOM ZOOM")

(THEY EMBRACE AND FREEZE)

(OLDER COUPLE ENTERS THEIR

ROOM WITH A GREAT DEAL OF

LUGGAGE AND THE AFFECT OF

IRRITATED BUSINESS TRAVELERS)

(THEY LOOK RUEFULLY AT THE

BED, EACH OTHER, AND AWAY)

FEMALE (GROUCHY)

At these prices, you'd think they'd have a bellboy.

(SHE IMMEDIATELY USES

THE OPENER ON A BEER.

HE GRABS AND SWALLOWS

ALL OF THE MINTS)

(MORE)

In and Out p. 4

MALE (GAMELY)

It's good to see Pervert Pete is still manning the front desk!

(THEY LET THEIR GUARD

DOWN AND LAUGH AT THE

SHARED MEMORY)

(THIS CATCHES THEM UP

SHORT AND THEY LOOK

AROUND AWKWARDLY)

FEMALE (SOMBERLY)

It was right to do this. It started here. It should end here.

MALE

Our post-nup, heh.

(THEY LISTEN TO THE

GROANS FROM THE NEXT

ROOM WITH ENVY)

MALE

They'll wear it out at that rate!

FEMALE (BITTERLY, TO HERSELF)

Speak, Memory!

(TENSE PAUSE)

MALE (TENTATIVELY)

Uh, well?

(MORE)

In and Out p. 5

FEMALE (SIGHS)

Oh, why not?

(SHE POPS TAPE INTO CASSETTE

AS THEY START TO DISROBE)

(SFX: JANE FONDA WORKOUT)

(THEY BEGIN TO EXERCISE)

(YOUNG COUPLE FEMALE IS

CLEARLY DISSATISFIED.

HIS ATTENTION HAS BEEN

CAUGHT BY A TELEVISION)

FEMALE (MIFFED)

Well, your other pacifier is here.

MALE

What's the harm? It came with the room.

FEMALE (TO THE TV)

Was it good for you?

MALE (OBLIVIOUS)

We're in luck! Studs!

FEMALE (INCREDULOUS)

You are joking.

(HE'S NOT. SHE LOOKS

AT HIM. THEY STARE

AT THE TV FOR AN

AWKWARD MOMENT)

(MORE)

In and Out p. 6

FEMALE (GAMELY)

This room is where our memories will begin.

MALE (GRANDLY)

It's ours to create. A virgin tapestry.

(SHE EMITS A ROUGH,

SPONTANEOUS LAUGH, HE

REACTS, SHE SHRUGS SHEEPISHLY)

(THE NOISE OF THE WORKOUT,

SOUNDING LIKE LOVEMAKING,

COMES THROUGH TO THEIR ROOM)

FEMALE (ENVIOUS)

They'll wear it out at that rate.

MALE (VERY CONCERNED)

Really?

(SHE SHAKES HER HEAD IN DISBELIEF)

THE MALE IN THE OLDER COUPLE

QUITS EXERCISING, EXHAUSTED)

FEMALE

Done already?

(HE LOOKS AT HER WITH

ANGER, AND FLICKS ON

TV. SHE PAUSES, THEN

JOINS HIM AS THEY IMITATE

THE AUDIO PORTION)

(MORE)

In and Out p. 7

(CLICK)

FEMALE (MOCK HAWAIIAN DUMB VOICE)

What we do now, Steve?

MALE

Book 'em, Danno!

(CLICK)

BOTH TOGETHER

(DICK VAN DYKE THEME MUSIC)

Da da da de da da da...

FEMALE (AS HAPLESS MARY TYLER MOORE)

Oh, Rob! Oh, Mr. Grant! Oh, Shit!

(THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER

AND BEGIN TO GIGGLE)

(THE YOUNG COUPLE

LOOKS AT EACH OTHER WITH

LITTLE TO SAY. SWITCH ON TV)

(CLICK)

V.0. (ANNOUNCER)

American Gladiator is brought to

you by the letter "R"...

(CLICK)

V.0. (ANNOUNCER)

...proud sponsor of the Home Shopping Network's first annual Telethon...

(MORE)

In and Out p. 8

(CLICK OFF)

(THEY STILL HAVE NOTHING

TO SAY TO ONE ANOTHER)

(THE OLDER COUPLE LOOKS

AT EACH OTHER)

MALE (PLAINTIVELY)

Maybe if we'd had kids...

FEMALE (QUICKLY)

We don't need kids.

(THEY FREEZE)

(THE YOUNG COUPLE

LOOKS AT EACH OTHER)

FEMALE

Maybe when we have kids.

MALE (QUICKLY)

We don't need kids.

(THEY FREEZE)

(EACH COUPLE LOOKS AT

EACH OTHER WITH NEW

FOUND INTENSITY)

SFX: Paul Simon's "Train in the Distance."

(THE YOUNG COUPLE TURNS AWAY

FROM EACH OTHER. THE OLDER

COUPLE EMBRACES, AS

WE FADE OUT.)